On Sunday I knowingly and willfully stole a bag of Planters peanuts and an Odwalla orange juice from one of the rest areas between here and Harrisburg. I did this for a few reasons:- Those bastards always try to rip you off. They wanted $4.35 for the juice alone, and an additional four bucks for the peanuts.
- I waited at the register for several minutes, waiting for HMS to come ass-rape me out of my money, and nobody showed up, so I took and left.
- There were positively no other healthy options at this rest area other than the processed goods I was planning to purchase at this shitty usury factory fronted as a gift shop.
So ethically, the day's a wash, right? My good acts later in the day cancel my prior bad acts, yes? What do YOU think?
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2 comments:
No it does not. Sorry.
Wow. Let's see..
I had to get my handbook out for this...
Stealing Juice is a 4.35 morality point deduction.
Stealing Peanuts is an additional 4
point deduction.
That already sets you back 8.35 points.
You waited in line which, as a moral ambiguity, is neither a gain or loss of points (+/- 0 points).
However, the fact that you waited POLITELY (I assume), gives you +.5 points.
Your consideration of healthy snack options is a +3, which can be redeemed now, or saved for a later situation. Lets assume you will redeem those points now.
Your football session with the boy is worth a +6 points, as well as an additional extra point(+1) for going above and beyond by teaching him patterns
So, at this point..
-4.35
-4
+.5
+3
+7
= 2.15 in the black
HOWEVER, you used the term "Ass-Rape" in blogging about this situation which is a clear .69 Category 2 'after the fact' swearing deduction.
2.15 - .69 = a positive 1.46 to this point.
Remember, The 3 positive flex points are already included, so you might want to only spend 1.54 of those points in order to come out even and have some points to spare. *
* Unknown Factors:
- Did you properly dispose of and/or recycle your refuse after eating this snack? If 'Yes', add 1.4 points. If 'No', deduct 9.7 points (assuming we're using Green Peace's version of the guidebook).
- Did you swear as you ran to catch the train (points deducted based on whether it's a category 1, 2, or 3 swear word)? If 'yes', Did you add God's name before or after the swear word (multiply the deduction by 7.77)?
- You receive 5 bonus points if the boy plays for an NCAA division one team (or +3 if he is a punter), and 10 points if he becomes an NFL player (+8 for punter).
It's quite simple, really.
As you can see, only time will tell how ethical you really were that day.
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